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[28 Oct 2004|02:05pm] |
hey, i'm getting a new journal just because i want to make it friends only and am too lazy to change all the entries on this one.
the new on is spanishvixen so please link to it!
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[28 Oct 2004|10:44am] |
so i just got out of psychology and we had a huge heated debate. It was freakin' crazy. It so happened to be that the conservatives were on one side of the room and the liberals were on the other, my side. hehehe. Well we were all screaming at each other about how unjustified the war is in Iraq and how Bush needs to be shot and crap. It was hilarious and then we g all hushed in shock when one kid said he was proud of his close mindedness. I was like, "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" How can you be proud of being stupid? We thought he was kidding, but he was actually being perfectly serious. It was insane. I told him he needed to be shot for being retarded. hehehe. I don't tend to be nice when debating. :)
But then we were debating about why other countries hate us. The closeminded kid and a few others were like, "They hate us because they're jealous!" and i was like, "Jealous of what? The fact that we have no morals, we're killing each other over money, we're RETARDED, we have one of the worst education systems in the world? What's there to be jealous of?"
whew. Me talking about politics isn't a good thing. lol
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| Grrrrrrrrrr |
[28 Oct 2004|07:28am] |
Well, i have an appointment with this Judy Greeneberg lady next Friday, the 5th or whatever. I was on the phone with her, and i all ready don't like her. hehehe.
It'll be good tho, i know what i'm doing is wrong, but i can't stop it T.T
I felt like crying last night, but nothing came out, and i don't know why, but i cut. i have finally completed the word HATE on my side. and since my skin is pretty pale...the scars are pretty visible (the H has just faded into a scar, but it's still really visible) and now i'm wondering if they'll ever totally fade out. I'm really ashamed of them, and i was doing Good. I didn't cut for 3 days. But i don't know what came over me.....
erg...i need to see this lady and get it over with
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[27 Oct 2004|05:16pm] |
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here's something i posted on my message board a lil while ago. And it's all completely true...
Pretty much, your life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. I've gone through hell and back, and am still running around through hell, but i honestly have to say, i have a pretty good life. If you think your life sucks, let me tell you a bit about my abuelita's (grandma's) life.
My abuelita has got to be one of the strongest people i know. She fell in love with my abuelito and popped out 12 beautiful children (seriously t-w-e-l-v-e kids). Well, when my abuelito was 41, the doctors diagnosed him with severe throat cancer (or whateverthe technical term is) and he died a week later. The eldest of the 12 was 17. Now, my abuelita has just suffered the unexpected death of her husband and is left to be a single mother of 12. To add to it, her husbands brothers stole most of the money out of my abuelito's account. My abuelita was never able to recover it. So to add to it. They were dirt broke. So the teenaged kids had to get jobs to help out with the family. They had it rough. single mother of twelve children and no money...let that sink in. So, the kids grew up extremely close, looking out for each other and finding any way possible to earn some cash. When the second youngest child turned 18, he was jogging along a canal in winter, slipped in and drowned. My abuelita had now lost a husband and a child. And she personally had no money. Life was good though. One daughter is now co-owner of one of the worlds greatest fireworks factories (Caballer) which did a large portion of the fireworks in the Sydney Olympics. Some other kids are fairly wealthy jewlers, and everyone has a pretty decent job. My grandmother lives with Pili, the youngest of the 12. The kids know she gave them nothing materialistic as kids and couldn't provide the best life for them, but they are still extremely close. In 2001, my aunt Carmen was blown up in a fireworks accident. My abuelita has lost a husband and 2 children. Yes, that has got to hurt like hell to loose that many DIRECT family members. But you know what? I have never met a woman that had so much love to give, that calls every single familiy member once a week to see how things were going.
I might not have the best life. My mom is kinda screwed up in the head just like me, but it's in our genes. But you know what? I've realized that i wouldn't trade it for anything. I'd rather have my mom who's going insan, than any other mom on earth. It's the one things that i've truly valued all my life = family. My dream is to grow up, have a spouse, and have a kid or two. It's my main goal. And gues what? I don't want to have kids just to say i have kids, i want to be there for my child through thick and thin, because i know what it feels like to not be able to talk to your mom. But that's the biggest problem in this country. There is no such thing as a family...
whew, okay now that i got that off my chest. Maybe you'll rethink your life. Bad junk happens, but it's you who decides whether it'll ruin your life or not.
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| baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh |
[27 Oct 2004|07:14am] |
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So last night i was watching One Tree Hill and i got hit by a huge wave of depression. I have no freakin clue why, but i'm so sad right now. But at least i have one thing to be happy about, i haven't cut since Sunday :). But, blag, i dunno. I feel like i'm stuck in a pity party, but i don't want ur pity, i just want to vent. It feels better to get things off my chest. Somehow i really know that this Judy Greenberg lady that my mom's gonna take me too isn't just someone who's gonna help fix my memory. And it kinda pisses me off that my mom is lying to me, but i can understand why. I don't really want to see a therapist. I want to be able to do this on my own. I'm tired of relying on other people. I want to stand on my own two feet and show everyone that had no faith in me that i can do it on my own. My whole life i've been screamed at about what a freakin loser i am. Yea, i'm different than most of you. I can't help it. I don't try to be different, i just happen to not be like you. I'm tired of relying on people for everything. I'm going to graduate, but i'm sick of sitting in class with hundreds of people who hate me. I despise going to school everyday and having to check in with my school counselor to see if i'm doing okay. I hate Mrs. Bart (ha ha ha). She's taking my mom's side on everything. When they called me up there last Thursday, they knew i was in pieces because of what's been going on at home, in my head, and crap. They said they were there to help. They asked me where my cuts were and why i cut. And then we talked about college and financial aid for 2 hours. I was like WTF. They didn't care about why i was so depressed, and they could care less what's been happening in my head. What the hell kind of counselors are they? They said that our session was to help me be happier. And when i was about to leave my counselor said, "See, doesn't it feel better to get that all off your chest?" and i was like, "WTF. I didn't even tell them much of anything, and all they cared about was what college i was going to go to." And now everytime i've gone up there to talk to her, she treats me like a child. Like i went to talk to her, because i'm worried about my mom. She thinks i'm like the second coming of Jesus. I'm worried. It was wierd. My mom said that God talked to her. My counselor was like, "That doesn't sound abnormal to me. Maybe you should just go to church and youth group more." I even told her i don't share the same beliefs as my mom and she's telling me i need to go to church more? I was like FUCK NO. But all of her comments are like that. Pretty much, my mom is this great person and i'm just a little bitch running around trying to make everyone look bad. My counselor is actually making me feel worse, not better. And then people ask me why i hate counselors. arg >.<
okay, too much ranting. I'll stop now before my head explodes
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| Whew. Doctor. How exciting. |
[26 Oct 2004|11:14am] |
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SO!
I went to the doctor yesterday. She said that my back and knee pains are most likely from playing too much softball. I'm sure it is. So now i have to ice my knees and back every night and i have all these stretches that i have to do. No biggy :). But if it doesn't help, i have to go in for exrays and start physical therapy. So i'm hoping that this gets rid of the pain. As for my heart, she politely said that she has no idea what could be causing the pain. My guess is anxiety from all the stress i've been putting myself through. So now, instead of doing stupid things, or if i start to get riled up, i eat chips and salsa. Yummy, healthy and....i just really like chips and salsa. hehehehe
but anyways, i did the worlds worst project on Tim Burton and got a B on it. Why is it that everytime i do a project within like 30 seconds i get a decent grade? lol
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[25 Oct 2004|07:15am] |
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and once again, i hurt someone that's close to me.
i'm sorry Lisa.
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[24 Oct 2004|02:52pm] |
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Invader Zim really does kick ass....
“Taste me Gaz! I’m delicious!” -Dib
“COME BACK! You’re not a freak! You’re just STUPID!’ –Dib
“Am I the only one seeing the alien sitting in class?” –Dib
“You can’t hide forever! And if you can, then I’ll wait forever! I’ve been preparing for this day all my life! Okay… I’m gonna go home now and prepare some more… but I’ll be back!” –Dib
“Duh! To make room for Tuna!” –GIR
“Why?! Why my piggy? I loved you piggy! I loved you…” –GIR
“The only guy who ever escaped, never made it out.” –Mall Guy who slept on the Job
“To celebrate over crowding in school, a new student will be joining the class.” –Ms. Bitters (sad thing is, i was JUST watching this episode!!! Tak is funny)
“Not now son! I’m making…. TOAST!” –Professor Membrane
“Let’s give a big cheer to Invader Zim for being so far away.” –Red Tallest
“Invaders blood marches through my veins, like giant radioactive rubberpants! The pants command me! Do not ignore my veins!” -Zim
“In the event of say a full scale invasion, how prepared would you say this planet’s defenses would be?” -Zim
“You see at the end of this wormhole lies… A ROOM WITH A MOOSE!!!!” –Zim
“Yes, I will bring my parents! And they will be the greatest, most parental parents of all!” –Zim
Zim: Oh, I quit when I found out about this.
Purple Tallest: You quit being banished?
Dib: Ms. Bitters? I think a pencil is lodged in my brain. Can I go to the nurse?
Ms. Bitters: How far in your brain?
Dib: Pretty far.
Zim: I don’t have time for this Dib! Your world may be in great danger.
Dib: Well, yeah. Your trying to destroy it. Remember?
![]() http://www.geocities.com/mongoosegirl63/zimgir2.jpg
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[24 Oct 2004|01:13pm] |
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this morning i got into a fight with my mom and dad because they wanted me to practice driving. I got mad and said no. You know why i don't want to get my licence? (i'm 18 btw) because i can't pay attention on the road long enough to drive down the street. Yesterday i was out driving and if it weren't for my dad suddenly yelling at me, i would have rear ended someone at 70 mph. Now how do they expect me to drive alone? I told my mom and she got mad and said, "Well if you don't get ur licence, we're never gonna take you anywhere." She doesn't even care that i can't focus on anything for longer than like 10 minutes. But then we got into a huge argument and i told my mom i was moving out because i'm sick of living at home because it's the only place that makes me so pissed off all the time. And when i started to pack my things, she informed me that my school counselor hadn't called her to tell her that i was a bit stressed out. She called her to tell her i wasn't mentally stable and if i ever tried to leave the house she had to call the psychiatric hospital to have them come and take me away. And so, i can't even leave the ONE PLACE i don't want to be.
and then i always wondered why when i was 16 and 17 they wouldn't leave me home alone for a weekend when they went on vacation. Turns out, i'm not mentally capable of staying by myself longer than a few hours. Boy, i have such a great self esteem.
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[23 Oct 2004|08:47pm] |
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You are a dark writer. A fierce and loyal follower
of Poe and the other gothic authors, you LOVE
to instill a sense of revulsion and somewhat
fear in your readers. You love to poke their
brains with logic dealing with the darker side
of the human mind and character. Truly
surprising and a true individual, you'll do
ANYTHING to create a scene. :)
What's YOUR Writing Style?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're as dark as can get. You like to laugh at
people, make fun of them, hurt their feelings.
You're in so deep, you'll never get out, and
you probably don't want to get out too. You
make the world a darker place. Better get my
flashlight...
Please rate ^^
What kind of dark person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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[23 Oct 2004|08:00pm] |
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I have a doctors appointment on Monday, which i'm not really looking forward too, but hey. My mom's making me go because of my back pain. It's probably my kidneys. But she also wants me to tell the doctor about the pain in my heart and my severe lack of long term memory. My mom thinks the pain in my heart is from anxiety. I don't think i have anxiety, but whatever. And my mom's worried because i can't even remember things that happened to me 3 years ago. I can hardly remember living in Ireland... Ah well, i guess it's for the better
I went to see 'The Grudge' last night. It's gotta be one of the funniest movies i've seen in a while. This naked kid was like everywhere, along with his mom who was missing her bottom jaw, so her tongue was hanging out her neck and all i could think about was her saying, "You don't like me because you think i'm ugly. I just wanna be friends." hehehehe.
So, therapy it is. I'm actually kinda happy that i've decided to start going. I get my licence in a month, so i don't have to rely on Lindsay to be my cab driver all the time (Lin, i swear i'm gonna start paying you....) But i'm kinda psyched, because i can't keep doing this by myself...i'd die...
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[22 Oct 2004|07:16am] |
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Just when i thought my life was starting to get better...it turned around and laughed at me. I'm not meant to have a happy life. This is what has been given to me, so i need to deal with it in my own terms. Today is not going to be a good day. I wonder if i'll even show up for school. I feel like crying.
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[21 Oct 2004|04:20pm] |
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Good news....well...........sorta.....i saw my drama teacher this morning and he told me he had to tell the counselors about my cutting (shut up for you that don't know, just...shut up) because he was afraid i'd kill myself. So i got uber pissed and ran away from him and got lectred by my coach about why dropping out of school is stupid. So then they were like searching for me, and then Mr. Hicks (my drama teacher) walked me to the counselors office himself to make sure i went. It pissed me off quite a bit. So i got 2 entire, life fulfilling hours of Mrs. Happy. lol. "Where are the cuts" "What's going on" bla bla bla bla bla. She was quite an animated talker. Then, i got extremely pissed off when she said that i'm supposed to not be alloud to come back to school until i get an assesment made by a psychiatrist that i'm sane enough to come back to school. I yelled at her and told her i had to do this 4 years ago. She said okay. I went back to class....quite amusing. She told me that my goal is to not skip class anymore. I skipped 4th period. lol....
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[20 Oct 2004|07:16pm] |
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you really never can tell who you can trust. And now, i'm really fucking pissed. I've only talked to very certain people about certain things going on in my life, and somehow these topics are coming up at the dinner table with me and my parents. So how, just how can it be so ironic if one of my friends isn't fucking STABBING ME IN THE BACK?! This is what happens when i try to solve my problems. I quit. I'll solve them my own way. No fucking therapy. No fucking talking to people. I quit and i hate you guys. later.
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[18 Oct 2004|04:27pm] |
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okay, now i'm pissed off beyond hell. Has anyone told my mother about my journal? ANYONE?! That's it. I'm not writing in here anymore. I write here to vent and junk, but i just found part of my entries printed out, lying on the floor. So someone told my mom something. you know what, whoever you are, fuck you. I knew i couldn't trust a single person on this planet, and i'm sick of it. I hate you guys. Each and every one of you. FUCK YOU. I'm 18, i'm my own person now, i don't need the help of dear little mother for anything. I'm sick and tired of people going behind my back like this. FUCK YOU ALL!
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[17 Oct 2004|04:39pm] |
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okay so i'm posting again like 10 minutes later, but i think i owe it to Jess to finally get her death off my chest. I was talking to Brett and it all just kind of came out. Lins, i was gonna tell you......but it hurts a lot....:
oOSpanishVixenOo: 5 years ago i fell in love with the most incredible girl in the entire world. Jess. She accepted every part of me. The delusions and hallucinations and everything
oOSpanishVixenOo: i have never felt so at peace eccept when i was with her
oOSpanishVixenOo: i have no idea why
oOSpanishVixenOo: but one night
oOSpanishVixenOo: i got a call from her and she was crying and all she said was, "I love you, Mercedes." and she hung up
oOSpanishVixenOo: i knew where she was, because it's where she always was
oOSpanishVixenOo: in Belleek forest, my favorite spot
oOSpanishVixenOo: so i ran to her
oOSpanishVixenOo: and when i got there, she was laying on the ground
oOSpanishVixenOo: with a bloodied blade beside her
oOSpanishVixenOo: and her wrists all carved up
oOSpanishVixenOo: and there was nothing i could do to help her
oOSpanishVixenOo: because she was hanging on to life just barely
oOSpanishVixenOo: and i held her in my arms as she died
oOSpanishVixenOo: when she stopped breathing, i couldn't figure out what to do, so i called the police and told them that there was a suicide victim in the forest.
oOSpanishVixenOo: and then i ran
oOSpanishVixenOo: i left her there
oOSpanishVixenOo: she didn't even have a funeral
oOSpanishVixenOo: and i was to weak to be there for her. I couldn't help her in any way. Whatever reason she killed herself, i don't know, but i know that i did something wrong
But she's not dead. I see her everyday of my life. And i wish i could join her.
But her death is just a fraction of why i feel the way i do. In the past few months is the first time i've ever thought about her death since it happened. There is so much more.....but nobody knows what it is....Lins, someday i might tell you....
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[17 Oct 2004|04:24pm] |
I hate to always sound so pesimistic, so i think i'm just not going to post here anymore, because i hate going to school and people being like, "Are you okay Mercedes."
I just want to vent and be left alone with my pain. It hurts like hell, but i don't need any help. I'm too tired to keep on going, and i'm too tired to keep on fighting this reality. I have my own world to live in, and i think it's about time i let it engulf me
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[14 Oct 2004|09:48pm] |
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you know, i've been doing a lot of thinking about what will happen to me in the future...and you know...i really don't want to go to college...I've come to the point where i could flunk out of high school, and it doesn't bother me at all. I'm 18 now. My parents have absolutely no control over what happens to me. I'm extremely tempted to just drop out, pack up my stuff, and disappear; get as far away from here as possible and start a new life where nobody knows me. Set things straight. You know, all my life i've been wondering why i was put here. I've had so many rampid thoughts in my head about only one thing, and it really scared me at first, but i've become accustomed to it. There's so much shit going on right now, and Lin, you know what i'm talking about, but...i was seriously considering going to therapy to try and see what's wrong, but i've decided, it's a part of me that i can't control, and if i try to change it, i probably won't be me anymore. If it leads to my death, than so be it. But...i don't want to be put on medication. I'm living in a place where i'm not accepted at all. I have some friends, extremely few close ones, that i would keep in contact with if i left. But...today after i was arguing on a message board, i discovered my purpose. I'm not going to tell you what it is. When the time comes, you will know exactly what i'm talking about. And thought it scares me, i realize that it's my destiny and i can't change it. I was born for one specific reason, and when i decide, it will happen. But, i think that i might drop out of school and leave. I'm tired of living in a world and in a family that doesnt' accept me for who i really am. My heart aches every damn day. My eyes sting from crying. And, i realize that i can't help myself. I don't want pity, but there's nothing more i can...or want...to do. I would rather die and be myself than live and be a fake. Lin, i love you, you are one of the best friends i've ever had, and i've only know you since February. And when the time comes, i'll make sure you're the first to know what my purpose is...
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[14 Oct 2004|05:16pm] |
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so my parents are dragging me up to Charleston for the weekend. I don't really want to go, but i don't have a choice. And plus, my mom's really excited about it and i don't really want to ruin it for her. I'm not going to school monday or tuesday b/c i have model UN competition, so that uber wonderful. I have my photography class tonight, and i really want to see what i took pictures of...er...how they turned out anyways. I only get to print 1 out, but still, it'll be fuuuuun ^^. I think this whole photography thing might actually help me some. We'll see. My drawing and writing just...died. I really used to like it, but i don't really give a crap about doing it now...::shrug::
so yea, i'll be gone alll freakin weekend, which is gay, but i bought Rob's stolen cd player b/c mine broke. I kinda wish i'd bought a new video game to play on my way up, but i guess i'll just draw or...i dunno...sleep. Sleep seems to be the only good thing to do. hehehe.
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[14 Oct 2004|04:32pm] |
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::cries::
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lilkawaiione's journal
